HOW DR. LANE SMITH CONQUERED HIS ANXIETY

I had lots of anxiety in my youth, but anxiety has not been a problem for over sixty-five years. How did I conquer my anxiety? I used the same tools that you are about to learn. Whether people discover these tools on their own or are taught by someone, everyone uses the same basic tools to conquer their anxiety or fears.

As people progress through lessons on conquering anxiety or fear, some may start thinking, “Yeah, it’s easy for you to talk about overcoming anxiety. You haven’t had the anxiety I have.” Perhaps you have had the same thought. I am sure some of you have had lots more anxiety than I had, but I am one of those people with a genetically imperfect threat perception apparatus that went off too easily and too loudly. I came by my excessive and unnecessary anxiety honestly. All my siblings have had problems with anxiety despite being raised in a loving, safe household. So, what happened to change my life? Why have I gone for over 60 years with much less anxiety than most people?

As a child my mother had me memorize a short talk to give in church. I was about five or six years of age.  The only thing I remember about giving that talk was that I was terrified. I gave my next talk in church when I was about fourteen or fifteen. I was again terrified. I had a panic attack. My legs became Jell-O; I started sweating and my heart raced. I hung onto the pulpit for dear life. I developed tunnel vision, which suggests I almost fainted. I felt so hot I could not stand it and I took off my jacket to place it on my seat. Our Pastor took it from me and afterward made a kind comment about how I warmed up to my topic so much that I had to take my coat off. Warmed up my foot! I felt like I was dying of fright. After my speech, I made up my mind I was never going to give a public speech again. I was ashamed of my fears and I never told a soul about them for years. 

The most frightening thing for me in Junior High was the bullying. In eighth grade, a kid who was bigger than me challenged me to a fight after school. I did not know how to fight, and I am not a big guy. I was sick with fear all day long. I did not dare admit I was afraid, and I could not think of any way to get out of the fight without being branded a coward. A whole bunch of kids gathered after school hoping to watch a fight. I cannot remember why we did not fight, but I will never forget how frightened I was. I was fearful of both being hurt and humiliated. Looking back, I suspect the other kid may not have wanted a fight, either.

In high school, my anxiety caused me two big problems. The first problem was that my hormones were starting to bubble, and I would get crushes on girls, but I could not do a thing about it. I was too scared. 

I wanted to be a champion athlete. I thought it would make me respected by the boys and liked by the girls. I took stock of myself. I was not tall, large, strong, fast, or coordinated. I had a real problem. You must have at least one of those to be a star in basketball, football, baseball, track, field, soccer, tennis, swimming, and skiing. I had not grown up playing any sports, so I had no athletic skills, either.

But there was wrestling. Wrestling would make me tougher and maybe I would not be afraid of bullies anymore. With hard work, conditioning, and guts, I might even have an outside chance of becoming a champion. Besides, they were fair about it. I would be wrestling guys who were my weight. I tried out for the wrestling team. At the end of the tryouts, Coach Hale kindly took me aside, put his arm around my shoulder, and said, “Smith, maybe this isn’t your sport. Have you considered doing something else?” Well, the answer was I had even less of a chance of making it in any other sport. For some reason, he let me stay on the team, possibly because the better athletes needed somebody to beat up in practice. 

Let me tell you about wrestling. It is not like football where there are 21 other guys mucking around on the field. In wrestling, you are out there all alone with your opponent. All the spectators could see every move I made and many of my spectators were my classmates. Meanwhile, my opponent was doing his absolute best to embarrass me in front of everybody. I think one of the most awful things that can happen to a fifteen-year-old boy is to be held helpless to the mat by someone his age and size. It is utterly humiliating. It almost screams, “Look at me, I’m a weakling.” It also implies, “I’m vulnerable.” 

So, my second great problem with anxiety in high school was from choosing to wrestle. I really wanted to be a champion athlete, but what a price! I would start getting anxious a couple of nights before a match. The night before, I hardly slept, and I would awaken all tired. On the day of the match, I thought of my upcoming bout again and again. Every time it made me anxious. As I waited for the last match before mine to end, I was almost panicking. When my match finally began, I was so tired from the lack of sleep, anxiety, and tension that it was a wonder I had any strength left with which to wrestle. I had a problem, and I knew it. Wrestling was my only chance to ever be a champion athlete, and I hated the anxiety wrestling gave me.

At about this time in my life, my mother brought home a book written by a friend of hers named Royal Garff. When my mother died, I told my siblings, “That book is mine.” The title is “You Can Learn to Speak.” I did not think I could ever learn to speak, but I was curious. I read it. In the first four chapters, Dr. Garff gave a lot of good advice on public speaking. But it was his fifth chapter that fired my imagination. He told how he had once been a very anxious high school student. He wrote (page 46) “I was a self-conscious boy—afraid of school, teachers, classes, and girls. At every new situation, my heart beat fast, and I perspired.” Hey, that sounded as if he were describing me.

Like Royal Garff, public speaking was not the only thing that frightened me. Lots of things did. I was ashamed. I thought I was a coward, and it was bad enough being a coward without everybody finding out about it, so I never told a soul. 

Then, some things started coming together. How did Royal Garff overcome his fear of public speaking?  He had enrolled in a high school speech class, mangled his first speech, and made up his mind right then he was checking out of the class.  A wise teacher noted his distress and took him under his wing. He praised things he had done correctly. He had him look at his life and his experiences and showed him the good things he knew and that he had done. Then, very carefully, he taught him to take little public speaking steps. Gradually he gave him greater and greater challenges as his confidence and ability increased. Though the words GRADUATED IN VIVO EXPOSURE were never given, this was exactly what Dr. Garff was being taught and what he was now teaching me as I read his book. It worked so well for Dr. Garff that he went on to become a Professor of Speech at a large state university. He turned his weakness into a great strength.

Note that Dr. Garff attended high school in the early 1930s when his teacher taught him the key principles which are still behind the tools of CBT today. They did not have the names we have now, but what he was taught was Graduated In Vivo Exposure and to some degree, Thought Substitution. Today we have a clear understanding of these tools and how they can be applied to any kind of anxiety or fear, not just a fear of public speaking. 

I decided that if it would work for Royal Garff, it would work for me. I knew that being a good public speaker could be a real plus in life. I did not have a speech teacher to personally guide me, but I had something just as good. I had Royal Garff’s book. I studied his book. Then, I wrote little talks and gave them to myself in front of a mirror, then to my family. I volunteered to speak briefly in church. Then, like Royal Garff, I enrolled in one, then another high school speech class. I joined my high school debate team, but I was too undisciplined to do all the reading and preparation, so I took up oratory instead. I do not claim to be an outstanding speaker, but I became good enough to win a couple of local speech competitions. Just like Royal Garff, my weakness became my strength. I learned to enjoy public speaking. I still do. 

At about this same time, I became fed up with my fear keeping me from doing other things I wanted to do. I still thought I was a coward, and I still would not tell a soul about my problems. But I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I noticed that other people were able to do things that frightened me, but it did not appear to frighten them. I realized the things that frightened me were not dangerous or other people would not be doing them. I decided, “If they can do it, so can I. I’ll force myself to do it.”  After all, I had made myself confront my fear of public speaking and it had gone away.

I began to make myself do the things that frightened me. I noticed that after a while, these other fears I confronted did not frighten me anymore. I had found a magic formula for overcoming my fear.

Remember how I told you I was too afraid to call girls for dates? I finally decided to write down the first few things I wanted to say. I’d write something like this, “Hi Sue. (Pause). This is Lane Smith. (Pause). I sure like having that English class with you. (Pause and Listen.) The Homecoming Dance is in a few weeks, and it would be great if I could take you as my date. (Pause).”  Then I would practice reading it out loud until I was certain I would not say, “Hi, Lane, thisisSue.” Even after I did all that, it still took about a half hour to get up enough courage to make the call. It is a good thing I really, really liked girls, or I would never have made even one call. Because of my practice, I probably sounded cool and relaxed. Little did the girls know my heart was going 150 beats a minute.

A strange thing happened. Not one girl said, “Lane Smith?  I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last male on earth.” It became easier and easier to call girls for dates. After a while, it did not take 30 minutes of getting up my courage, or even the notes. Sure, I got turned down sometimes, but I survived. Even the girls who turned me down were polite about it. And wonder of wonders, some girls said, “I’d love to.”

But I still had my problem with wrestling. Then, I came across some wonderful, inspired words. “If you are prepared, you shall not fear.” Even though I was not athletically gifted, there was one thing I could do. I prepared. I read every book I could find on wrestling. I practiced the new moves again and again. I was always among the last to leave wrestling practice. I exercised and wrestled extremely hard. I practiced wrestling with my eyes shut to feel the moves and to improve my balance. I imagined myself as if I were wrestling and what I would do. I also imagined watching myself as I wrestled.

To calm my anxiety, I reminded myself of some truths whenever the thought of wrestling made me anxious. I told myself how much I had practiced. I reminded myself that I now held my high school record for pushups and sit-ups, so I had to be in very good shape. I refused to allow negative thoughts to enter my mind. I practiced moves in my head instead of stewing in my fear while awaiting my turn to wrestle. I did not know that I was doing what professionals call Thought Substitution. I just knew it helped me to not feel so anxious. 

Then, I discovered something wonderful. If I took a deep breath, tensed my muscles, and then relaxed as I let out my breath, my anxiety would almost go away for a few minutes. I had to quietly repeat that little routine, but it worked. And nobody even noticed I was doing it.

I really wanted to be a champion, so I kept on wrestling. I began to win more and more of my matches. It became easier to tell myself, “You’re a good wrestler Lane.” 

I did not know it at the time, but I had stumbled across many of the tools that experts use to teach people to overcome their abnormal anxiety. I also used some techniques sports psychologists teach athletes to improve their performance. 

By the time I was eighteen, I understood that if I did the things that frightened me often enough, they quit being frightening. I realized I had the ability to make any of my unnecessary fears go away by confronting them long enough. Remember the story about breaking one stick at a time, as opposed to trying to break a bundle of sticks at the same time? I did not attempt to conquer all my fears at once.  I deliberately started confronting them one by one. Every time I conquered a fear, I added it to my list of victories. I would tell myself, “If I can conquer all those other fears, I can conquer this one, too.” It became easier and easier to screw up my courage to attack another fear.  

Are you curious about how I did in wrestling?  I was undefeated in my senior year, a State Champion, and team captain.  What was wonderful about my wrestling was not having been a champion. It was this. I confronted my very worst fear and conquered it. For the next few years, when anything would frighten me, I would say to myself, “Is this as frightening as wrestling?” Then I would answer, “Nothing is as frightening as wrestling. If you can wrestle, you can do this.” And I did. 

Let us go back and look at the techniques you are learning and see how I used them to overcome my own many fears.

Just as you are doing, I learned how to overcome fear by learning from others. Almost always the best way to learn something is to learn it from someone else who knows it well. Professor Royal Garff’s book taught me how to overcome my fear of public speaking by confronting it in little steps instead of running away. Remember that confronting is by far the most important tool for overcoming any kind of fear or anxiety. Soon it became apparent that Dr, Garff’s methods would work in other areas of anxiety or fear in my life. The principles he taught and the examples he gave from his own life helped give me the vision and hope I needed to begin the conquest of my fears. If you follow the directions that I am giving you, those directions likely will have a profound effect on your life.

You also now understand that confronting what you fear is the most important step in overcoming your anxiety. I can remember many instances of having to confront various fears. I told you of my fear of public speaking, my fear of asking for dates, and my great fear of wrestling competitions. It took confronting each of them for them to disappear.

You were taught you could tell what things to confront and what things to avoid by doing what other ordinary people are doing.  I was about 16 when I realized that the things that frightened me did not frighten other people. I made up my mind that if they could do it, so could I.

Often, I confronted in little steps, such as overcoming my fear of public speaking. That is an example of GRADUATED IN VIVO EXPOSURE. Sometimes when confronting other things, I initially used aids, such as the notes I read when phoning to ask for a date. For wrestling, I used a variety of techniques, as I will explain in a moment. Most importantly, I did not let my anxiety stop me from wrestling. In other words, I Confronted it, not Avoided it. 

Every week, I had to practice wrestling with others, both in my weight group and with opponents heavier and lighter than me.  This was a form of MODELING since I was competing just like in matches with other schools.  Indeed, anyone in my weight who thought he could beat me could challenge me every week for my spot on the team. 

You may recall that I imagined myself wrestling and feeling the moves.  I also imagined myself watching myself as I wrestled. I did it to make my wrestling moves more automatic and habitual. This also made me feel more in control and therefore less anxious. This was a form of IMAGINAL EXPOSURE because I was confronting fears in my imagination, as well as reinforcing my wrestling moves. I used my virtual reality machine, my brain, to imagine success in not only wrestling but also things like public speaking. 

Do not attempt to confront many fears at once. When still in my teens, I started deliberately targeting specific fears one at a time. After I got good at it, I would go after any fear or anxiety that popped up. When you improve at confronting, you will also find it easier to go after any fear or anxiety you discover in yourself.

When I was creating this article, I wrote that I never used Thought Stopping, a useful tool for conquering OCD. When revising this story, I realized I do use Thought Stopping from time to time, but not for anxiety. I do not say, “Stop” to stop an anxious thought, which is what you may need to learn to do. I use the word “Don’t” instead of “Stop,” but it is the same principle of thought stopping.   When I start to get a thought or temptation that is beneath my beliefs and principles, I say to myself, “Don’t” and keep repeating “Don’t” until it crowds out the unwholesome thought or desire. It is not just about controlling anxiety; it is very much about being in control of my thoughts and actions. The point is that Thought Stopping works for me, and it may help you, too. 

While still in my teens, I began using another tool for treating anxiety, called THOUGHT SUBSTITUTION, although it took a few years to become habitual. Thought Substitution was an absolute necessity to calm my wrestling fear. I learned to not let myself have fearful thoughts. Before matches, I would repeat my strengths and successes and refuse to entertain doubts or fears. I have used Thought Substitution occasionally as an adult. I do not mean I have had that much anxiety, but if I had not done it, I would have had much more anxiety.  I almost always do thought substitution automatically now, but sometimes I realize something is making me anxious and I do it consciously and deliberately. It is much better than being anxious. 

As I began to conquer various fears, I kept track of the bigger ones. When something frightened me, and I knew I had to confront it, I would remind myself of past successes and tell myself that I would be successful here as well. Those successes were factual, so that strengthened me. That too was a form of Thought Substitution. It sure beats feeding on negative thoughts. I suggest that you use this technique of recalling your successes in confronting the things that frighten you during the next year or two as well. If you do what you have been taught, you will not have to remind yourself of past victories for very long. There will be too many to remember them all. 

Learning to Relax on command was a wonderful relief and it kept me stronger for wrestling. Before I learned to relax, I felt like an over-tightened violin string for several days before matches. All that tension sapped my strength so learning to take a deep breath, flex my muscles and then exhale and relax was a wonderful thing to me. Relaxing during test taking also helped me do better than I otherwise would have done. When taking long tests, I still tended to become increasingly tense, so periodically I stopped, stretched, relaxed, and reminded myself I always do well on testing.

Perhaps you picked up that I prepared very carefully. That is what Dr. Garff was taught in high school and what his book taught me. I practiced my speeches, and my wrestling holds again and again. I exercised very diligently. I prepared and practiced using a little prompter before calling for a date. I studied diligently for tests. Remember these inspired words, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” Preparation was my best antidote for the fear of wrestling, giving speeches, and test-taking. 

If you know you are only marginally prepared for something, will you be able to lie to yourself and still feel in control? Remember, anxiety comes from a perception of not being in control and facing a threat.  I could not control a thing about my opponents or what was on my tests, but I could control myself, my skills, knowledge, and my preparation. I increased my control by preparing thoroughly. You can learn to do it, too. 

Overcoming my fears of public speaking, asking for a date, and wrestling did not end my anxiety forever. For years, whenever I realized something was making me anxious, I asked myself, is that really a big threat? If not, I immediately confronted, and the anxiety went away. As I wrote this, I tried to remember when I last had unnecessary anxiety, and I couldn’t remember. I also strive to not procrastinate, as procrastinating on important tasks is a major source of anxiety for many people.

Everyone battles his or her fears all their life. You have a choice. You can run away and spend your life in miserable anxiety and fear. Or you can learn to attack anything that frightens you with the tools you are beginning to master and shortly have little anxiety in your life. I like Robert Frost’s poem about encountering two paths in the woods.  He said, “…and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” You can also choose the path less traveled, the path to a much more satisfying and comfortable life.  Just as Dr. Garff’s teacher taught him and Dr. Garff taught me, I am teaching you how to conquer your anxiety or fears.

We have learned a lot more about anxiety since I was a youth, making its treatment even clearer and easier today.  It is very possible for you to create a personal, easily followed plan.