The Seven Essential Rules of Parenting — Or Running Any Other Organization

Unfortunately, many adults have had little training for the most important job of their lives: parenting.  Fortunately, the basic rules of childrearing are simple and easily learned. Adopting them may require some changing of habits but the rewards for so doing can be enormous. Raising some kids is so easy that about all you have to do is pat them on the head and put food in front of them from time to time. Other kids tax even the best of parents.  However, whether your children prove easy or difficult to raise, following correct principles always makes parenting easier and the results better, and not following the correct principles always makes parenting harder and may make it harder for children to learn the things they need to know and do. 

The following rules are not unique to families; they are just as essential to correctly and effectively managing or leading any organization.[1] You might have some fun after reading about each rule, by asking yourself how that rule applies to other organizations such as businesses, social clubs, or athletic competitions. 

RULE # 1: TEACHING IS NECESSARY AND FUNDAMENTAL.

In school, we are only graded (judged) after we have been given the opportunity to learn the material.  To make wise choices, children first must be carefully taught. Back in the old gold standard days, my grandfather Farr offered my mother a choice between a shiny silver dollar and a much smaller twenty-dollar gold coin. To her inexperienced eyes, the silver dollar was much bigger and seemingly worth more so she chose it. 

Children presumably know almost nothing at birth. Their incredible computers which we call brains must be programmed. By example and words, we must give our children the basic data from which to make good decisions, including the Three Vital Behaviors we have summarized in simple words. School teachers and others may be important but teaching children all about life is primarily the parent’s responsibility. 

Everything we process in our minds has some effect on our decisions. With incorrect or inadequate data mistakes of judgment are more likely. If we would have our children behave wisely and honorably, we must strive to live with integrity and teach them correct principles. We must keep them from exposure to base, vile or polluting ideas and experiences. To those who argue that pornography, lewd and loose behavioral examples, or similar evils do not pollute the mind and influence behavior, we might ask, then why do we endeavor to expose our children to that which is good? If base things do not pollute, then how can good things exalt? 

Teaching our children is a lifetime job. Parents never outgrow it. 

RULE # 2: GOOD RULES MUST BE MADE AND UNDERSTOOD.

Can you imagine the employees of Ford Motor Company working whenever they want, at whatever jobs they want, and doing their work as well as they want? Rules are as essential to families as to running successful factories. Some rules may be assumed and never written down but they always exist.  Without rules and regulations, governments, companies, social clubs, athletic contests, families, and all other organizations would deteriorate into chaos. 

What are the rules in your family?  How were they developed? Did both parents create and agree on them or is one parent imposing them against the other parent’s desires? Are they fair, and if not, why not? Are they consistent or do they change to fit whim, prejudice, or feelings of the moment?  To whom do they apply and why? Is it a do as I say and not as I do family? 

As best as possible, we should establish rules that put us in harmony with natural laws and circumstances. Examples of rules for families include no stealing, no telling lies to deceive or defraud, no physical aggression, children must attend school or work faithfully, etc. I suspect few families have a specific rule that big brother cannot stick a bean up little brother’s nose, but if big brother does it, that will be a violation of an overall rule of not harming others. 

Well-defined and understood rules bring certainty and clarity into our lives. We know what is expected of us and can choose to behave accordingly. It takes time, effort, and dedication to establish appropriate rules so too often they are never clearly determined. Establishing family rules is also evolutionary. Rules must be adapted to the age and changing circumstances. 

RULE # 3: CONSEQUENCES MUST BE MADE FOR KEEPING AND BREAKING RULES.

Without consequences for keeping or breaking rules and regulations, there are no rules and regulations.  If nothing happens when you break a law, why keep it? If nothing happens when you break a rule, why not break it? Indeed, this is one of the problems with the punishment of crime in the USA. Negative consequences for breaking the law are neither swift nor certain, so some people with criminal thinking are tempted into playing a form of roulette with the law. 

It must be stressed that negative consequences and punishment may not be the same thing. When someone else does not behave as we desire, we may punish them in inappropriate ways. A common example is responding with anger. Probably most children are physically punished not for their own good, but because at that moment the parent wishes to hurt them for disobeying or because the parent wants to intimidate the child into obeying. Striking a child is rarely justified. Parents who justify frequent corporal punishment do not understand choice, consequences, and the use of force. 

Families should have clearly established consequences for violating significant rules. The consequences should be connected logically to the rules and be understandable to the child.  Parents must share in the decision-making process and agree on the rules and consequences. They should not make either positive or negative consequences that they are not prepared to administer. They also must apply the consequences consistently, both between them and from time to time. Whoever is first on the scene should do the enforcing of the correction and consequences. One parent should never be designated the negative consequence giver (“Wait till daddy comes home”). Children should never be allowed to play one parent against the other. 

If excessive consequences are threatened (as in anger) and the rule is later broken, a more suitable consequence should be substituted when it becomes time for it to be given. For example, “If you do that again I’ll ground you for a year” is an unwise and unenforceable consequence. Substitute something like, “You knew better when you broke that rule and you knew if I caught you there would be a consequence.  As your consequence I want you to do a good job of cleaning out the garage.”

Many people hand out far more negative consequences than positive ones. This error fails to adequately reward good behavior and may encourage inappropriate behavior. Rewarding good behavior is often more effective than “punishing” bad behavior. 

Let’s look at some specific examples of how to apply negative consequences. The Jones’ kids always come wandering in late for supper. No amount of threats, wheedling, and whining alters this behavior.  Since they are still allowed to eat when they please, why should they change their behavior?

Parents should make a rule that meals will be served at the same time, or if the time cannot be fixed, that the children should come within a specified amount of time after being called. If they are not on time, the consequence is that they do not get anything to eat until the next meal time. Generally, several missed meals end this misbehavior.

Perhaps each evening there is a hassle over children doing the dishes. There is nothing in the role of being a mother that mandates mother has to do everything for her children and that they are under no obligation to share household duties. Indeed, children must be taught to contribute increasingly to their own welfare and not expect the whole world to cater to their needs.

Mother could announce that if the dishes are not cleaned promptly, she will not fix the next family meal or perhaps the same family meal the next day. Granted, this involves consequences for those who might not have problems with dish cleaning. The peer pressure on the one who should be doing the dishes can be remarkable. Oh yes, the mother should go out for her meal that her family skips. She kept the rules and did her job as the meal provider.

Avoid just “punishing” the rule breaker. Carefully make the consequence a logical result of the broken rule. Let the dawdler walk to school when he misses the school bus if it is safe to do so.[2] Let the child whose chores are not done miss athletic practice, or even a game, if the problem is serious. The boy who has not practiced the piano cannot watch television or play electronic games until he does his practicing.

In turn, set goals and positive consequences for good behaviors and be sure you keep your end of the contract. My mother and I made an agreement that she would make me a lemon meringue pie every time I got straight A’s. I really like lemon meringue pies so this was a nice positive consequence for me, but she didn’t always give me the promised rewards, which I correctly thought was unfair.

RULE # 4: GIVE YOUR PREFERRED CHOICES.

After you have taught your children about life, made rules, and established consequences, make it very clear which behaviors you prefer. Explain why you prefer these behaviors and why they are better than other choices, at appropriate times and circumstances. Let them know you are not being arbitrary or unkind, but that you want them to be happy, safe, and successful and that these desires are behind all of your rules. 

A manager might conclude with something like this. “Barry, I hope your employment with this company with be a happy and successful experience for you and those of us who will work with you.  Please keep all the rules as I don’t want to apply any consequences, but if you break any rules, I will have to.”

RULE # 5: THEN GIVE YOUR CHILDREN FREEDOM OF CHOICE.

Learning to follow good rules comes not from being forced, but from our freedom of choice, receiving the consequences of behaviors, and then choosing to behave correctly because it is more rewarding. 

Many parents are tempted to force children to do their will when they are misbehaving. After all, it’s for their own good, right? No, that is wrong. When we force others, we are not really giving them freedom of choice. We are making the decision for them. People resent being coerced. Children arch their backs just because they don’t want to be forced. After parents are no longer able to force their children’s behavior, what will the children choose to do? 

Little children must sometimes be carefully limited for their own good. They may not recognize the dangers of electricity or a stream of hot water. As children grow older, rules, consequences, and choices must be adjusted to their ages. Parents must do less and less for them and allow them to do more and more for themselves. This is not to imply that they may do whatever they please. Rather, they are given increasing opportunities to make their own choices, along with the consequences.

This means parents generally must let their children suffer their full negative consequences. It is similar to what God does with us. By allowing us to make our own choices such as driving our own automobiles and motorcycles, we are also allowed to make mistakes that can hurt and kill ourselves or even others.  Do you really want God to drive your car or would you rather do it yourself? Children have many things done for them.  Grownups do things for themselves.  We wouldn’t have it any other way. 

RULE # 6: CONSEQUENCES MUST FOLLOW.

I once saw a family with three sons. One son was in prison; one was in a residential treatment center for seriously disturbed children and the last son was brought to me because he persisted in stealing from his parents. No amount of pleading and threatening had stopped this teenager’s stealing. When he needed a few bucks, he would pawn something that belonged to his parents. 

The parents meant well. They “loved” their sons. They could not bear to see them suffer, so they ignored foolish behaviors, failed to follow negative acts with negative consequences, and protected their sons from what should have been painful consequences. By their removing the appropriate consequences, these parents taught their boys that any behavior was acceptable. Then they all tasted the bitter fruit of disappointment.

Correction of the stealing son was simple. The parents had only to make him receive negative consequences for his thefts. I recommended that after warning him, the next time he pawned something that didn’t belong to him, he be reported and given a charge of theft by the law.  

The reader is cautioned to not expect immediate change when consequences are at last correctly applied. Old incorrect behaviors used to be rewarding in some way. Children (and others) will want to continue them. They will both by habit and design, test the new rules to see if they are firm. If parents buckle under the wheedling and whining, those children are taught that they can still avoid consequences in the end and their misbehaviors will not cease. 

RULE # 7: BE CONSISTENT.

This rule is implied in all the other rules.  Rules must be consistent. You cannot expect your children to be honest and then ask them to turn away the unwanted visitor by telling them you are not home.

Consequences must be consistent with the rules broken. A child who is given the same punishment for dishonesty and leaving the front door open will soon think, “I get it. Dishonesty is like leaving the door open.”

Parents must be consistent with one another. Can you imagine a football game where the referees used different sets of rules? Consequences must be consistent from one time to another. Confusion and uncertainty result when a broken rule has small consequences one time and large consequences another. 

It is also unwise to increase the consequence with each rule’s infraction. Set a fair consequence and let the child make his or her choice as to what to do, including breaking the rule and accepting the consequence each time even if he or she breaks the rule repeatedly. 

Consistency requires giving positive consequences (rewards) as well as negative ones. If you make a promise of a reward, ensure it is given when earned. 

Since I titled this Article The Seven Basic Rules of Parenting, I won't call the last suggestion a rule.  

USE AS LITTLE FORCE AS NECESSARY.

At first glance, this rule may seem a contradiction of what I earlier said about our being unable to force people to be good. Even God cannot make people good by forcing them. People can only be good by choosing to be so. However, when one chooses an act, one chooses the consequence. If a child breaks a rule, it may be necessary to force that child to accept the consequence. That is not forcing the child to be good.

Two siblings get into a squabble, breaking the rule that they shouldn’t fight. The consequence is to go to their bedrooms until they can behave without fighting. Both are reminded of the consequence. Johnny goes to his room as asked. Jimmy says, “No,” and refuses to go. If he is small enough, he is escorted to his room. Suppose Jimmy resents the consequence of going to his room and he starts breaking things. You would go into his room and tell him if he doesn’t stop immediately, you will take enough of his toys and sell them to cover the cost of the things he is breaking. Jimmy replies he doesn’t care and goes on breaking things. You then add that if he doesn’t stop, he’ll also get a spanking. He doesn’t stop, and he gets a spanking. Most children won’t go this far; a few won’t stop even at this point. If necessary, the consequence may be getting the assistance of someone else such as the police and the judicial system for older children. 

Note Jimmy was never forced to behave. He was given potential consequences and he had the freedom to act. If his misbehavior continued, he got the consequence, even if it required some degree of force to give the consequence.

CONCLUSIONS:

The preceding rules will not prevent all problems, nor will they correct all misbehaviors. Both children and adults have their agency and sometimes do stupid, self-defeating behaviors. However, failure to follow all of these essential rules makes it much harder to be an effective parent or manager and makes it far more likely that your children or employees will have behavioral problems.

What do you do with a child who continues to misbehave when you are following all of these basic rules of parenting?  Sometimes nothing will elicit correct behaviors from others, including children. The wise parent should remember that he or she is judged by what she or he does, not by what his or her children do. If you are following these rules and you still are having a problem child or children, it’s time to seek professional counseling. To quote a Bible proverb, “In a multitude of counsellors there is safety.”[3]

Where do we get these principles for running any organization, including a family? We discover this is how God deals with mankind, as demonstrated throughout the Bible, the earliest example being how God dealt with Adam and Eve.[4]  God taught them in the Garden, gave them rules and consequences, made it very plain what He preferred, they do, and gave them their agency. When Adam and Eve broke an important rule, they were given the attached consequence for its being broken. God is always consistent and never forces us to be good, though we do receive the consequences of our choices. Very bad choices have very bad consequences; just as very good choices have very good consequences.

AN EXAMPLE OF USING THESE RULES IN A SOCIAL CLUB SETTING

Years ago I was a Rotary Club President. Rotary International is an international service organization of business and professional people dedicated to helping others, pursuing high ethical business and professional standards of behavior, building goodwill, and supporting peace in the world.  Three of our Rotary rules concerned paying monthly bills within a given period of time, attending the “home” Rotary club for a certain percentage of the weekly club meetings, and overall attending weekly Rotary club meetings somewhere, also for a total percentage of the 52 meetings a year. We had a member who was consistently breaking all three rules; his bill for his weekly meals was large and significantly overdue. Our Secretary and I reminded him repeatedly of the commitment he made to keep these rules when he joined our club, but there was no improvement, despite his promises. We also had some evidence that suggested he had lied about his attendance at other clubs. Finally, I called him in and said something like this. “Fred (not his real name), I see you don’t want to belong to Rotary International anymore.” He replied, “Oh no, I like being a member.”  I said, “When you joined this club, you agreed to keep the attendance rules and pay your bill within the proper time limit.  You have been reminded repeatedly by our club secretary and me that membership is contingent upon keeping the rules. You continued to break these rules despite our reminders. We would like to have you as a member, but by your unwillingness to keep these rules, you have made yourself ineligible for membership.  I’m sorry you have made this choice. We will miss your companionship and wish that you had not chosen to leave our Rotary Club association.”  

Notice we didn’t “kick” Fred out of Rotary. When Fred chose to not keep the Rotary membership rules,  he also chose the consequence, which was to leave Rotary Club; we merely confirmed it by making it official. 

[1] From much experience, it appears to this author that these rules are often neglected in business organizations, to their detriment. 

[2] When our children were young, our family was in the Frankfurt, Germany airport while waiting for our flight to my Air Force assignment in Turkey. Our five-year old son and four-year old daughter could see people buying ice cream outside the building. They asked to get some. We gave them money and instructions on how to do so, including a long walk to the building entrance and then to the vendor. We sent them happily and successfully on their way. They never knew that I was carefully following them to ensure they were safe.

[3] KJV Bible, Proverbs 11:14.

[4] KJV Bible, Genesis 2:15-17; 3:2-11, 19.